Last night Myles (The artist formerly known as my partner, Missy :o) and I had one of the three going away parties here in San Diego. It was a great get together with great food (by me lol) wonderful people, and great conversation. I get a little sad sometimes when around Myles's family friends and family when they are talking about Myles going to school. Often as an afterthought in the conversation they go "Oh yeah, and good luck to you too Connor." Now, I know they don't know me as well as Myles,and I am not going to school for the first time, but I get tired of feeling like an accessory sometimes. Like I am a suitcase Myles is taking with them, useful, but not special. It would be one thing if we had been together for a month and were moving in together for the first time...But um, we've been together for 8 months, and living together for 7 of those 8. We have a steady,strong relationship. We plan on being together for a very, very, long time.


Anyways-
On Friday I will wave goodbye to the adventure known as southern California. The one place I have found where apathy is rewarded with massive success, but the beaches and the ocean are the most amazing sights one can see in a lifetime.

I don't know if I will miss it. I'm sure I will. But I am looking forward to SEASONS. To some WEATHER that CHANGES! :o)

Things I am NOT looking forward too
-Looking for a job
-Paying Rent
-Looking for a Job.


:o)
For all you bay ARea friends-- A thai themed housewarming party is in the works for August.
:O)

I still check the weather in my hometown
At least once a week.
And now that I think about that
I have never told anyone that one quirk.
I guess you could call it a habit
But I still want to know how the sun is looking on the shoulders
Of my little sister
the way the leaves look on all the oak trees in the springtime
And the weather can tell me that

It can tell me whether or not
My mother is putting sunscreen on the dog
Or harboring inside
people she loves
feeding them chili, and cornbread
As they hid their lungs from the cold

The weather here
Is the most consistent thing
I have ever experienced.
Every day looks the same
The only thing that changes
is the way the ocean looks.
I don't even know the purpose of
the weather report here
Surf report-sure
But the air is always some shade of 75 degrees

Tomorrow I will be in Fresno California
where it will be 96 degrees in the shade
My community is gathering in a city that voted against us
On a day where the sun could be no crueler
And in a time where we all hope the climate will shift
Just a little bit
In our direction.

Everything is triggering that stupid tear duct function today. I guess I am emotional knowing that there is little to no chance that the California Supreme Court will reverse Prop-8 on Tuesday when they rule. I am preparing myself, mentally, physically,emotionally for the protests that will follow.
I am preparing in the way that one prepares for every battle. You prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I am digging out my protest gear--my street medic kits--my boots. My emotional armor.

Missy and I were contemplating what the hell our signs should say if we win.. "Thanks for giving me back the rights that I should have never lost in the first place??!" What will we say if we lose?
What is there to say? I don't know.

There are so many people in this state, and in this country queer and straight alike, that have said to us on multiple occasions "Prop-8 is OVER why don't you just shut up about it?!?" As if someone expects that heart in my chest to lie dormant and let MY rights be taken away. The rights of my future. "Oh sure let me just roll over, you can stomp away. I'll shut up now. Thanks for what you've given me!!?"

I am going to come out and say that I am thankful for Prop-8. I am glad in a way that we lost. It caused people to WAKE THE FUCK UP and realize that they were being taken advantage of--civil unions and domestic partnerships are just another trial at "Separate but equal"--which is NEVER okay. It caused people to realize that they NEED community, we NEED each other. We are strong, if we will stand together-- and stand up to history, to the justices, to the opposition-- WE CAN WIN. I want to see even more unity, less bickering, less personal interest in this fight. Peoples heads are starting to swell with self importance, and that's poison for ANY movements progress. The cause is bigger than anyone's personal or organizational benefit, lets humble ourselves and continue to fight.

I expect that there will be a lot of bureaucracy in California before marriage equality happens 2010,2012... but Tuesday and meet in the middle will be locked in my memory. Win or lose. We will be there. History will be there too.

-in Solidarity-

Hey there guys!! The day has finally come, and the state of California in all its infinite wisdom saw fit to let me change my name!! Pictures and more under the cut!
( Read more )

For six months or so,
I haven't really been writing.
I've been letting half decent ideas
Slip between the gaps in the sidewalk
waiting for the bus
watching them get washed down the storm drains.

Storm drains big enough for small children.
This is bizarre to me
Where I come from
Only water can slip down the drains
And here,
Every time we have a storm
I imagine a whole cities worth of water
and eight year olds
being washed out to sea.

I imagine trying to fit myself in those
Gaping toothless smiles
Built right into the curb
But I would not fit
I do not have the fluidity of water
Or the resilient grace of a child.

I have gained, recently
the hard cement colored edge of adulthood
meanwhile, I still find
the cocky/obstinate world view left over from 10th grade
sitting in my mouth

I am somewhere between
believing in magic
and knowing magic is bullshit.
I am somewhere between fitting into storm drains
And knowing how poisoned the water is.

There is something to be said for being comfortable.
I love Oregon, I loved Portland. P-Town. PDX. Little Beruit. I miss the clean air, almost getting run over by cyclists EVERYWHERE I went, driving around with my friends in the middle of the night talking a mile a minute about revolutions, and where we would be in ten years.
I miss my comfy job, that was never boring, and a workplace that affirmed my trans-identity.
I miss my SMYRC family which, was the first family I ever had, but not the last.

But there is also something to be said for progress. Sometimes it takes something drastic to kick you in the ass enough to make some great things happen. My life is incredibly blessed right now.

On March 27, 2009, my twenty-first birthday, I walked into the San Diego Civil Court building and turned in my official name change paperwork. in a little over two weeks from right now, I will go to court, and walk out LEGALLY Connor Shae Braddock. I will get my California drivers license and defy everything I thought five years ago.

In March of this year I started with my partner, out own record label. Because we were dissatisfied with looking for the "perfect one" to support her music career. I know as much about running a business as I do about wrestling alligators, but so far we have been successful, and careful, and I am excited.

I am proud to say that moving away from the perfect city was the thing I needed to start living the way I want to. On my terms. I have said my final piece to my family, once and for all. They know where I stand, and my feet are planted firmly in the conviction that I have the right to be whoever I want, and they don't have the power to sway me.

In August I will relocate, once again to San Francisco. Mecca, gay capitola of the United States. In San Francisco I will look into going back to school, and will meet, in person the doctor that will eventually do my top-surgery in 2011. All of these things seemed impossible and far away even six months ago, when I was in the perfect city to self explore.

My life, my career(s), My body, my relationships, are all a work in progress, but the key word is progress. I am moving, forward.

I usually get pretty nervous about birthdays, as in the past I have had some not so great ones. But this weekend has been AMAZING.

It started thursday at Midnight, when missy surprised me with some daffodils in a very creative vase. :o)
The next morning we woke up early, went to the courthouse and filed my legal name change paperwork, and got my court date for the hearing. Then we went to the Zoo, where I saw pandas!!! :o) Then to Dinner at Brians, where hilarity and girlie drinks happened all evening.
This morning, I woke up we went and picked up my cake, and then went to Missy's dads place who was calling today "honor connor day" :o) We hung out, they made my favorite meal, family and friends and neighbors were invited. :o)

They made my favorite meal, and we ate and drank wine, and laughed until we were blue in the face. I was given, two bottles of wine, a bottle of vodka, and a REALLY REALLY nice bottle of scotch from her dad. Also, a VERY nice bottle of balsalmic vinegar brought back from Italy by her dad's neighbors, A monty Python DVD, itunes, and thats not even the gifts from Missy.
I am not trying to boast here, I am just OVERWHELMED with the amount of love I was blessed with in the last two days. :o)
Pictures below!



My first "Legal" beer @ the zoo!



the most AMAZING mustaches in the world!!



I HEART pandas!



my cake!


the take!

I periodically run my hands along the shape of my skull. Fuzzy, round, at this current moment, mohawked.
It's ten days before my 21st birthday. I always get very introspective around this time, considering my life, what I have made of it, what will become of it.
I feel like I have learned and expierenced so many things in this last year...including the following:

*Operating a fire extinguisher isn't as cool as you would think,because mostly when you have to operate one, you are more concerned about whatever is burning/about to explode.
*Hearing a first hand account of a sexual assault that you know for a fact will go unpunished, is really, really hard.
*Falling in love is easy, it's staying focused, it's staying present and in love that seems to be harder.
*People change.
*Making music is amazing.
*Live here.now.
*Thich Nhat Hanh is incredible.
*So is humus, humus was a culinary discovery for me this year.
*More important that success,wealth etc is being comfortable in your own skin.
*Sometimes being true to yourself means alienating people you love.
*Sometimes you have to move 1,200 miles away to find what you were looking for for a really long time, which is yourself.
*Legal paperwork is reallly confusing. really really confusing.
*I can't beleive I am moving to San Fransisco in August.
*the amount of Apathy everywhere is overwhelming.
*Saying the words "President Barack Obama" gives me chills.
*Prop 8 sucked ass.
*But fighting Prop 8 has been an incredibly unifying expierence for the queer community, something that drastically needed to happen..
*I'm not scared of the ocean anymore (well, not as much!)

Theres so much more, but I am learning too much everyday to really write it all down.

Happy birthday to me.

:o)

I dont think I have mentioned this anywhere else on the internet yet. But I LOVE to read. There, the secret is out. Seriously I do. And I have been frustrated with myself in the last couple of months because I have been getting very behind on said reading. Here's what I am currently working on.

I just finished Dharma Punx, (for about the 9th time) I first read this book in high school, and although at the time, I didn't understand the concepts of what Noah Levine (author) was talking about in terms of bhuddist practice, I knew I liked it. And in a way I have forced myself to read it over and over again, planting a seed for when I knew I would be ready. And I feel like in the last two weeks, I have become ready.

I also read Tich Nhat Hanh's books "being peace" and "peace is every step".. man, what a Wise man that is. Seriously. I just am in awe sometimes of the simplicity, honesty and wisdom in his writing.

My parents would be appalled,but not surprised by my interest in bhuddism. I have always been attracted if you will to certain philosophies. I guess after reading Dharma Punx, something clicked. The author Noah Levine wrote the book about his personal expierences as a young, angry,punk kid in the 80's who struggled with hardcore drug addiction and being in and out of Juvie, and later jail for his thefts,robberies,assault and drug charges. IF his book were a book about modern day christianity, there would be some point where Noah would realize that he needed jesus, beg for salvation and miraculously all would be forgiven. Now, I don't want to rag on others spiritual beliefs, not at all. I am just pointing something out. Now, since this was NOT a book staring Christian salvation, Noah realizes that his life is out of control and starts taking moments (in Jail) to pause and reflect, meditating and being aware of where he is and where he needs to go...
So, he gets out and decides to clean up for good. Joining 12 step groups and doing his community service, but in alignment with the 12 step program and his bhuddist beliefs he makes ammends with every single person he could think of (or find) that he had ever stolen from,robbed,hurt, or made miserable due to his drug addiction. He had a list, and he literally went knocking on people's doors and said "hey when I was 15 I stole your VCR to buy some crack, and I am here to sincerely ask for forgiveness, and make restitution." And he did. He paid people that he stole from and had many many hard conversations with people that he had hurt. I find this admirable. I find that this, makes sense.

I feel like this makes me feel not condemning of modern Christianity, but in challenge to it. I feel if this same situation had occured and salvation had been what he expierenced spiritually, the christian community has a tendency to believe that once your saved, your saved. The end. your slate is clean and no one can judge you but god.

I found this personally unsettling when I was involved with the Christian church. I was a fuck up kid/teenager. but when I was 14 I got "saved" at christain summer camp (god thats a whole nother' blog..another day) And they told me that I was forgiven all my sins had been washed away. But what about all the people that I had hurt? Didn't they deserve an apology, a sincere recounting of my wrongs and for amends to be made? I think so.And I felt unsettled about it. I still do. I think we owe it to eachother and to the world, if we find something that makes our lives better, that makes us better people, then we need to go back a bit on our path and ask for the world to forgive us and so then we might sucessfully move forward.

I am working on moving forward, I am working on letting go of anger and attatchment to unhealthy things. I am working on being honest,with everybody, especially myself. I am working on bettering my world, my environment, and my society in order to be truly seeking of justice and compassion.

It's a journey. And I don't want to freak everyone out I'm not going to shave my head(oops), eat only wheatgrass, and go live in an Ashram. I am, however, living my life with intention.

I have a new mantra for my life.

all things in moderation, that is except for love,wisdom,compassion and honesty.


-much love

Connor

Road Trip Tour!

Day 1, Sunday April 19th
Leave SD--> to Oakland

Day 2, Monday April 20th
Event In Oakland CA @ Mills 9am-4pm

Day 3, Tuesday April 21st
Oakland-->Medford, OR A.M.

Day 4, Wednesday April 22nd
In Medford
Meeting @ GSA
Lake of the Woods trip

Day 5, Thursday April 23rd
Medford---> PDX A.M.


Day 6, Friday April 24th
Portland -Open Mic @ SMYRC (BENEFIT SHOW??)

Day 7, Saturday April 25th
Portland

Day 8- Sunday April 26th
Portland-->SF

Day 9- Monday April 27th
SF-->San Diego


SO! Friends!!!! We are doing this trip of insanity in April. its going to be a great chance to see any and all friends along the way!

Here's what we need help with currently..

Places to stay in
Oakland/SF, Medford, and Portland.. So if you can house us a night or let us park in your driveway (we have the capability to sleep in our vehicle if we have to.)

We are also interested in any open mics you may know of, or if you would like to do a show with Missy please get in touch with us so we can work it out!

We want to see and do as much as we can in this week, because it's precious time we have off to do so.. so if you want to make plans to see us, please do.

For my friends, if you don't have my number it's (858) 568-0809

LOVE LOVE!

I think that somewhere, There most be a very distinct person inide of me. And that person is a jewish gay man. I joke about this often becuase how else can you explain my need to accessorize and my ongoing issues with my mother?

Ok, so maybe I'm just like most queer kids who have been disowned,dissaproved,disenfranchised and just "dissed" in general by their family. I love them, and try not to misunderstand them as mucha as they misunderstand me. I have to maintain massive boundaries in order to remain intact...these things are not new.

But last night I got a package from my mom in the mail. Addressed to the wrong name, at the right address. The house where my partner and I live, and love and talk about having babies someday when we are living in the bay area, somewhere with trees and ocean. One thing we each need.

But these CD's These five silver,slivers of plastic and digital encoding, they hold my entire childhood. They hold the one thing that my mother and I both love dearly, and know by heart. Mary Chapin Carpenter. Okay, so I have a deep, deep heartfelt connection with the very folky,sometimes country,sometimes very hokey Mary Chapin Carpenter music genre of the late 80's and early-mid 90's.

I speak the truth when I say that it makes me feel at home, it makes me feel okay, and familiar. And at the same time it makes me desperately and painfully miss those people that I call 'the family'.
Not 'my family'.no. that title is reserved for people who have stood by me and support me. People that have housed me and fed me,and helped me through various ebbs and flows in my life. But the people that share genetic relation to me...

I am listening to these CD's at work, and trying to stay on top of all the memories, and nostalgia,and suddenly and expectedly, the pain. Its sharp.It's right bewteen my first and second rib. It reminds me of home.

I have never effectively figured out how to deal with my mom. I am just now, at 21 recovering memories of things that alone, should throw me into therapy for years.

but for right now, I am just listening.
I am listening to the sounds and smells of summers in the woods.. I am listening to the sounds of my mom cooking thanksgiving... I am in a very interesting place, a very real one.
.. I think I'll stay here awhile.

books I would take with me.

-Stone butch blues- Leslie fienberg
-America the beautiful- Michelle Tea
-parable of the sower-Octavia E. Butler
-Dharma Punx-Noah Levine
-Being Peace- Thich Nhat Hahn

I know this much to be true
by C.S. Greene

"From slavery to segregation, we remember that America did not always live up to its ideals. In fact, we often fell far short of them. But we also learned that fundamental to our national character is the drive to live out the true meaning of our creed."
-Bill Frist






I was born in the year 1988. I am young, and idealistic, and I do not think these to be negative things. In my lifetime I have seen countless wars fought in the name or the purpose of god. I grew up saying the Pledge of Allegiance, every morning in class not even understanding with I was pledging to. Hand over my small, beating heart I pledged

"I pledge allegiance to the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, once nation, under god, indivisible with liberty and justice for all."

And the part that stood out to me the most was "and with liberty and justice for all" Because even at age 8 I knew that this pledge was a little off, or rather maybe the big people in charge had just forgotten what it said. Even as a young child I understood that a lot of bad things had been done in the name of America. And as I have grown this understanding has been amplified time and time again.

My parents, raised me in a home where "crap" was a curse word, but I saw "Saving Private Ryan" for the first time when I was in fourth grade. When I was 11 an Elton John song came on the radio, my mom shook her head and said " He makes such good music, too bad that he is going to hell". I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. "Mom" I asked "How do you know he's going to hell, isn't that for god to decide?" My mom shot me a look.. "I know he's going to hell because he is a homosexual, and that is an abomination" I sat in shock. My ears burned. I felt so many things, but I said nothing...

Culturally, the things that have changed in my short years on this planet are nothing short of astounding. Any maybe it's because I grew up in a town where I could count the "liberal" people I knew on one hand, but maybe thats because people like Ellen and Rosie O'Donnell came out on their daytime TV shows, and shocked soccer moms everywhere. Maybe it's because slowly but surely people everywhere were coming out of the closet. The Silence =Death of the 80's gave way to the activism and the outspoken culture of the 90's. Even my mother was noticing, I was growing up in it.

I never imagined in my lifetime queer people would be able to get married. It was completely out of the realm of possibility in my mind. In 2004 I was junior in High school. In Oregon, proposition 36 aimed to put civil unions within the reach of queer people in my state. It changed our constitution. It defined marriage as a heterosexual privilege,instead of a human right. But it changed my life forever. By this time , I was the president of my Gay Straight Alliance in my school. I was a very open supporter of Proposition 36, and a very clear opponent of George Bush. My friends and I did what we could to raise awareness in our town, but it was rather fruitless, and sometimes dangerous. But we did what we could, we wore t-shirts,we passed out flyers, and when it failed, it slipped away quietly and with little fan fare.

So when in May of 2008, gay marriage was legalized in California. I shed a tear of happiness, and gave a giant FUCK YOU to all the people in my life who had scoffed at the idea of two loving, committed queer people being able to get married. Then the rumor of prop-8. A measure that would revoke the right of LGBTQ folks in California, as a CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. When I travelled to Southern California for vacation the week of the election, I volunteered with No on Prop 8, doing whatever I could in the days leading up to the election. I encountered a counter-protester base that was funded in the MILLIONS of dollars to put up ad campaigns telling people that their lives would be ruined, their churches changed, their children corrupted.

I think the true corruption occurs when we live in a time, in a society that devalues humanity in such a way to tell queer couples that they are less then, that their love is not valid, that their families aren't worth protecting. All families based on love are worth protecting. If tomorrow someone passed legislation that invalidated heterosexual marriage, I would take to the streets the same way, to fight for those families. It is my moral imperative to fight for the rights of all people, even if I disagree with them.

And now, we take to the streets, week by week, movement by movement and join together to show the world and each other, that love is worth fighting for. Love is always worth fighting for.
It is an undertaking not for the weak of heart, and I do whatever I can, because I want to show my country, my world, and my mother that this is the right thing to do. Hatred and ignorance have been historically proven as the wrong things to align yourself with, I want to tell her, and all those who believe like her; all those people with yes on 8 bumper stickers, and "faggots go to hell" picket signs two things. I want to tell them that though I grit my teeth and stand up tall, that I love them. They are humans, and they are deserving of love. And this cause is about love. And the other things I want to tell them is, History will remember you as a bigot, is that the kind of legacy you want to leave?

Dustin Lance Black-writer of MILK, won best original screenplay


Sean Penn-Won best actor for MILK


I am so proud of MILK, and the message that it gave. The hope and confidence that Harvey Milk and people like him left in their wake.
I am also proud of these two men who took the opportunity at such a high level event to speak to the issues concerning our rights in this country.
A few members of the MILK cast were wearing the white knots on their suit jackets in solidarity with the queer community fighting for equal rights for all of us.

This is the first time I ever watched the Oscars, and I am glad I did.

:o)

Hello! I just uploaded the pictures from the 8th annual "freedom to marry day" which is where queer couples go to local courthouses and ask for marriage certificates, when of course they are denied, they proceed to have ceremonies outside the courthouses.

My partner,Missy and I were asked to participate in this years event by the organizers who are also friends of ours, and kind of ironically we ended up being the "poster-children" for the day. We were interviewed by the news media, photographed and so on..

funny thing is WE DIDN'T GET MARRIED!! lol

( Read more and PICS after the cut! )

"There are so many people that masquerade as compassionate people, but their so unkind to themselves,and how can that be considered truly compassionate conduct? I don't think it can."
-Noah Levine

I have been asleep again.
I have been asleep for the better part of this decade.
Trying as hard as I could
to figure out things
that come naturally
they cannot be forced or derived from something else.

I have let the 'Samsara' seep in. Seep in like ink bleeding on a page.
I am tired.
And I am tired of being tired.

I have finally have allowed myself the space to make some changes.

These will be:

Be more mindful of my spirituality
Be more mindful in my relationships
Be more mindful of my body, and my eating habits
Be more mindful of my need for artistic outlets.
Be more proactive in pursuing positive change in my community.

I wanted to make a record of these things, so that I remember them, so I hold them close to my heart and mind.

I think the city has a soul, a small quiet understated one that gets muddled and silenced by the crap everyone surrounds themselves by here. There's a term for it that Missy's dad uses, its called samsara'(In Hinduism, it is avidya, or ignorance, of one's true self or surroundings, a distraction)

Its like the Santa Ana's blow in L.A.'s greed too, not just the smog. I have never seen an uglier city than L.A.. It smells like puree'd garbage and cement, all the wasted dreams of people drawn by the shiny toy metal of a time bomb..

But I was thinking the other day how I miss the coffee houses in Portland. I mean its like a very definite part of that city's soul, the coffee. And here, it's like the coffee houses (although, bless their hearts they are almost ALL 24 hrs! yay!) Are just an afterthought, a place for people to GO.

I am still trying to find the soul of this city. So far the surfing community is the only thing that makes sense. My girl and her dad are surfing nuts, and the love they have for that ocean, is unbelievable, I'm jealous. I am still trying to get over the PANIC that sets in every time something touches my foot when I'm waist deep in the surf. Meanwhile Missy, at least half the time we go to the beach strips down to her underwear so she can get in the water. I shake my head,laugh, and point out that is a damn good thing I am over prepared and brought her a change of underwear.

*these are just copied and pasted sections of a 3-day email convo with a friend in Chicago. Amazing, how all of them are from different emails, but they fit together. Sometimes you find poetry in the oddest places.
even in emails.

-peace

soooo.. yesterday was the national "freedom to marry" day. Where thousands of queer couples approached their county court buildings to apply for marriage licenses, When of course they are denied, some decide to get married, committed etc, as a show of solidarity with their community. Missy and I were two of those people.

We are personal friends of the organizers here in San Diego, so when they asked us to be a part of it, we told them "Well, obviously we aren't ready to get MARRIED, but we'd like to commit to one another in a ceremony. So, we had a "promise ceremony" Where, we stated our intentions for our relationship etc...

Well, as it turns out, the four other couples that were supposed to get married for REAL chickened out, and we ended up being the poster children for the whole day . LOL Well, we looked great, and there was HELLA reporters and cameras and such,so I'll post pics later. but for now, heres the news-y
stuff! The one in the middle has a video!!!

http://weblog.signonsandiego.com/news/breaking/2009/02/samesex_couples_denied_marriag_1.html

http://www.10news.com/newsarchive/18702797/detail.html

http://pamshouseblend.com/showDiary.do?diaryId=9460

Yesterday the ocean looked like a mixing bowl and the palm fronds bent nearly over backwards, the sky mirrored the water, gray and black and blue. Storms here are so different. The ocean is where most storms begin. I have spent my whole life living inland, where we generally saw the remnants of storms. Here its like being in the epicenter. . .